


The Mortal Instruments Oneshots

by fishtory



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M, Gen, Jace is annoying, Simon is annoying, basically pinterest hates me, canoodling, canoodling in valentine's house???, clace, clary eats a LOT, clary is annoyed, i love them, i swear there is NONE, izzy and magnus are there for like two seconds, jace is also hot, jocelyn is mentioned if you squint, mario kart and snacc, simon and clary are friends, simon drinks a lot of blood, simon is a dork, simon is not, simon makes fun of clary a lot, the mortal instruments - Freeform, there is a lot of canoodle mentioned but there is no canoodling, they are fetuses, they are irresponsible CHILDREN
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 01:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19983964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishtory/pseuds/fishtory
Summary: they're really short and i wrote them while sleep deprived so they're bad. but i think they're funny, so. updates whenever pinterest shows me weird shit that makes me think about more weird shit to write about.





	1. pinterest hates me

"You know what they say," Clary told him, brows furrowed as she adjusted his collar. "Dress to impress." She looked up to see that mischievous glint in his eyes, as if he was about to spill all of her secrets, as if he was about to burn her entire world down—and she would thank him afterward.

"That they may say," Jace said, "but have you seen me naked? Undress to impress, I always say." He sucked in a breath at her glare and raised an eyebrow. "What, you disagree? After the other night, I didn't think—"

"Jace!" Clary gasped, swatting at his arm. "We're at my mother's wedding. That's not funny!"

He hummed, lifting his gaze to scan the area. "Are we? And here I thought this was my room at the Institute. Madam, you've enlightened me."

“Hey, guys.” Simon appeared at Clary’s side, two plates in one hand and two glasses in the other. They all looked as if they might topple over at any moment, spilling cheeseburgers and what looked like some ungodly form of punch all over the three of them. Jace remembered his first encounter with him after the whole Edom situation—it hadn’t been as bad as he thought, but he could tell that even though Simon didn’t know him, he didn’t like him that much. They had an uncomfortable second first meeting, but he seemed a lot more comfortable around him now. Jace took that as a positive sign.

For all of two seconds.

“Lewis, as a vampire you had zero skills. Now you have even less, which I wasn’t sure was possible.” Jace told him.

“Man, I’ve been told that I saved your life. So many times. You’d think that’d earn me a grace period.”

“Sorry, a what?”

“It’s, like, in video games, the time where—forget it.” Simon waved his hand dismissively. “Trying to explain pop culture to you is like trying to explain to my mom that I’m _still_ not Satan incarnate. And trying to explain where I’ve been, and why—”

“Simon?” Jace cleared his throat. 

Jace’s tone caught his attention. “Yeah?”

“We’re talking about me, getting naked. So unless you want to add to that conversation, if you could take your pop whatever to Izzy or whoever you’re canoodling with now—”

Simon would’ve covered his ears if he had free hands. “Wow, that is NOT what I wanted to imagine when I’m going to—message received, loud and clear. Goodbye. Have fun with your—bye.”

“That was mean.” Clary said, standing on her toes to peer over Jace’s shoulder. Simon had taken his seat with Isabelle and Magnus, looking a lot more uncomfortable than he had before. “You scared him.”

Jace lifted a hand to her cheek, steering her eyes back to his own. “Well, he interrupted my canoodling. Besides, he’s safe with Izzy and Magnus.”

“Oh, yeah?” Clary raised an eyebrow. “I recall you telling me that he was safe with Izzy once before, and then he was a rat.”

“Both literally and metaphorically.” Jace added most unhelpfully. “Now, can we get back to the part about me, being naked? I like it a hell of a lot more than talking to Simon about video games.”

Clary patted his shoulder and winked. “Keep trash talking my best friend and we’ll never get back to that part. Come on.”


	2. picking up ladies with valentine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah, so basically, this is just shit, so, yes.

"Actually, Valentine taught me everything I know about women. Not that you'd be able to tell from his marriage, obviously." Jace sifted through a second pile of books as he called back to her, and Clary whirled around to look at him, eyes wide. Apparently sensing her gaze on him, Jace turned to look at her and shrugged with one shoulder. "I guess he thought it was a useful life skill."

For a moment she couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not—then she realised that the notion of Valentine teaching Jace how to flirt was too ridiculous to even entertain. Clary dropped the book she'd been flipping through and stood. She stared at him for a moment, then crossed her arms and huffed, "You're not funny."

"I'm not?" He stepped toward her until they were almost nose to nose—at least, they would’ve been if he wasn’t nearly a foot taller than her—and she had to look up at him. She wanted to pummel his perfectly stupid face, or pull him down so she could kiss him. Clary wasn't entirely sure which one, which made her even more frustrated. "Well, damn. I guess I'll have to tell old pops that I've failed him. A good sense of humor was always at the top of the list for what the ladies like."

“A sense of humor? Really?” Clary asked, trying extremely hard not to make eye contact because she’d probably lose it then and there.

Jace waved dismissively, a grin spreading across his face. “Well, no one ever said the list worked for Valentine. The only dates he could ever get were with angels, and he literally had to summon them and hold them hostage for meaningful conversation. It was sad, really. I think he wanted to ensure that his failures were not my failures.”

“He wanted you to have meaningful conversations…”

“With women, instead of angels. Though,” he added, “I’ve found that they can be  _ really _ similar.”

Clary pinched the bridge of her nose and pushed herself a few steps away from him. “That was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard you say, and you’ve said some pretty weird things.”

“Weirder than picking up ladies with Valentine?”

“Yes—” Clary started, then cut herself off and sighed. “Actually, no.  _ That _ is the weirdest thing you’ve said.”


	3. simon says weird things and has bad timing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we love simon lewis, a big dork, a total dweeb, love him.

In retrospect, with everything happening in her life, Clary shouldn’t have been surprised when inviting Simon over for Mario Kart and snacks turned into one of the most traumatic moments in her life. It started out as planned. As they sat on the couch, Simon kicked Clary’s butt in Mario Kart even though she kept spamming red koopa shells and she ate most of the junk food in the house while Simon drank some expired blood. Then, as Simon continued to kick her ass while hanging upside-down on Luke’s couch, she entered into a conversation that she never,  _ ever _ wanted to have because it was too awkward to think about.

“Okay, but think about it. Your mom and Luke were canoodling—”

“Oh my  _ god _ , Simon, stop saying canoodling, they were NOT canoodling—”

“THEY WERE CANOODLING,” Simon continued, waving a hand in front of her face to silence her. Clary had to duck out of the way to avoid the flailing limbs, “before she realised that she was pregnant with you, right? Am I right?” He didn’t wait for a response, but Clary would’ve said that they weren’t canoodling but they most certainly did love each other. “Okay. So have you considered that Luke—”

“Simon!” Clary dropped her controller and covered her ears. Her face was burning, and she was definitely in last place now. Damn it. “I don’t want to hear this! I need to—I need you to stop putting that thought in my head, because it’s never going to go away now and it’s  _ so weird! _ And it’s not even true! There’s  _ no way _ —”

“Clary.” Simon yeeted his legs off the back of the couch, and Clary scrambled to move her controller as the aforeyeeted legs landed in her lap. “Clary, Luke could be your father. It’s like Star Wars, but not, because Luke is the father, not the—Clary!" Simon lifted a foot clad in Pokemon socks and poked at her face with it. 

"OH MY GOD SIMON STOP SAYING THEY WERE CANOODLING!" Clary shoved his foot away from her face. "My mom didn't canoodle with anyone. Also, your feet stink."

Simon wiggled an eyebrow. "Are you sure about that? The canoodling, that is. I know my feet don't smell, 'cause I'm a rockstar vampire and it has its perks. My feet CAN'T smell. According to a pamphlet that Raphael gave me, I'm completely immune to body odor. It's a rockin' time to be an angsty teen, Fray, and I am taking full advantage of my advantage."

"I think Raphael lied to you." Clary told him, picking up her controller to at least pause the game. At least she would still have time to catch up. "You're going to be a teenager literally forever, there’s no way you’re immune to body odor. Besides,” she leaned forward, using his legs as a convenient table to prop her arms up on, “you’re going to want to smell nice anyway.”

“Uh, why?” She didn’t look over at Simon, but Clary could see it—the furrowed brow, the confused and absolutely oblivious look on his face.

“You know,” Clary said, moving one elbow to nudge his foot, “for when you  _ canoodle _ with Izzy.”

Simon sat upright so fast that his glasses would have flown off his face if he still wore them. “What?” He screeched, and Clary started wheezing as he scrambled for the right words to defend himself. “We’re not—I mean, I’m not—Izzy and I aren’t—we are  _ NOT _ canoodling! I don’t canoodle.” He sat up straight, puffed out his chest and said in the least convincing voice she’d ever heard, “I  _ seduce. _ ”

She stared at him, then lifted a throw pillow and smacked him with it. “You look ridiculous. I don’t care if you canoodle with Izzy, Simon. Just watch out for Alec and Jace.”

Simon snatched the pillow from her, hugging it close to his chest—he was silent for a moment, and Clary felt her own chest tighten. Oh god, had she offended him? Then Simon looked back up at her and wiggled his eyebrows again.

“Don’t.” She warned him.

“Oh, Jace!” He said in a high voice that sounded absolutely nothing like her. It was ridiculous enough that she couldn’t even be mad about what she knew was coming, and instead she found herself laughing so hard she was in pain.“Oh, me, oh, my! I can’t wait to canoodle with him. He’s so gorgeous, and, golly, I just can’t wait to—”

The door slammed shut behind them, and the two kids caught their breath. They simultaneously turned to look at the figure in the doorway to be met with a strikingly—scratch that, striking—blonde male wearing a wicked grin.

“Simon,” Jace said, his voice dripping with amusement, “you should have told me.”

As her best friend buried his face in his hands and thought about how much better his life would be if he was dead, Clary started wheezing again. This time, she wasn’t sure if she was ever going to stop.


End file.
